Thursday, November 17, 2016

8 6 Reasons I May Never Blow On Instagram


       If you have been on Instagram long enough, you will know it is like a secret society. I am not talking about tying red cloth around your waist and spraying white power everywhere. I mean there is a code of conduct that almost everyone follows whether knowingly or unknowingly.


       Don't we just love these guys and girls with hundreds and thousands of followers who happen to not be popular in the real world? Yes I love them  and here are the reasons why I may never become an Instagram Celeb.

    1. I CAN’T SPEND MORE THAN 1 SECOND AFTER I’M DONE IN THE TOILET
Gone are the days when you snap in front of your house or in your bedroom, the best place to get the brightest of pictures is in the toilet. I’m not talking about the toilet in your house o. I mean  a public toilet such as the one in Spar, a 5-star restaurant etc.
I will not use a public toilet until it is very necessary and I mean the kind that you can no longer hold the matter. Therefore, when I go into one the only thing on my mind is to ‘go in and come out’. Standing in front of the mirror to start pointing my mouth to one direction or putting my yansh on top of the sink for a pose is what I will not do. Mbanu!

 2. I DON’T HAVE AN iPHONE
The secret code of being an Instagram celeb is to have an iPhone. Forget #teamSony, #teamLG,  #teamInfinix and co. My dear, if you don’t have an iPhone, kindly rush to Otigba market in Ikeja or Garrison in Port Harcout to get  a second hand one (make sure you don’t buy fufu instead or the one that shows Gionee when you put it on).

        3. THERE IS NO FRONT HAIR TO GEL
When I say there is no front hair to gel, I mean there is none. Rara! Every girl on Istagram is so blessed with naturally curling half-caste hair that will easily blend with the touch of  a little gel and I begin to wonder why mine is so different. Seriously, who would want to see this my rat chop hair that looks like unfinished Mohawk?

        4. I  EAT AT A BUKA
Instagrammers just love the picture of a well garnished whole chicken with Chinese rice at Sheraton Hotel or the look of curry sauce and Malaysian rice at Le Meridien (please help me out with the names of these oyinbo foods).
The truth is that I will not be able to keep up. Imagine snapping fufu with Egusi soup on a Monday morning.


  5.  I HAVE NO HATERS
There are usual posts you get to see on Instagram such as “fuck my haters” “bitch, I have no time for you” “I don’t care if you hate me or not” etc.
Please, I don’t even know what it means. How can you be fighting yourself by yourself? Are you a musician? No. Are you an actress? No. Are you a newscaster? No. Are you an OAP? No. Are you famous? No. So biko, who are the haters? Probably one babalawo you should be fasting and praying for in your village and you decide to disturb yourself on Instagram.
I don’t have haters or I don’t even know them so I feel left out. Please, feel free to donate some for me.

6.  I  AM NOT A MODEL
Most of the girls on Instagram have the perfect body one can only dream about: eyes like Rihanna, legs like Beyonce, lips like Tiwa Savage orisirisi. It’s the place where everyone is perfect and I’m thinking…
My skin is not 100% even in complexion, I have some pimples popping out on my face, the weather is so hot and these heat rashes won’t give me a break, my stomach is not as flat as a board and so on. Where do I stand a chance then?

*Infact… lemme gist you a little…
I was seated with some male friends one day and the following conversation ensued between them.
Guy A: That was how I invited the girl from Nsukka and told her to wait at the Eatery. I entered inside and called her phone.
Guy B: Did you see the girl?
Guy A: Infact, I did not believe it was the girl. She did not look like her pictures on Facebook. Imagine the kind of matured pimples that was on her face.
Guy B: What did you then do?
Guy A: I gave her transport to go back. Just imagine…
This is just one of the stories that touch the heart when you think you are meeting a person on a scale of 10  in terms of looks and instead see -2.


I hope you enjoyed my tori. 

*I’d like to know some of the things you love and hate about Instagram. Tell me about the social networks you belong to.

PS. If you know about Snapchat, please tell me about it because I keep installing and deleting and reinstalling it because a) I can’t find friends or followers and b) I just can’t find the flowers everybody puts around their head.Don’t forget to also drop your Instagram handle so we can connect. I promise to follow back.


8 comments

  1. Haha! But we want to see your Monday morning egusi soup shot on your 'regular' phone! Buka food can look amazing, it's all in the presentations and angles.

    www.chapterone.com.ng|Travel differently

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks darling, it does sound like a good idea though: something to keep our minds off the spaghetti bolognaise and chicken peri peri I guess.

      I hope you're doing great. Thanks for always checking regularly.

      Delete
  2. Hahahahaha! This post is so funny and real with a good dose of sarcasm! Cherish, your sense of humour is out of this world. Lol at rat hair and fufu and egusi on Monday morning.
    About Snapchat, I have never bothered to install it. I have been struggling with Instagram so why will I add Snap to the mix?
    I love the way you write!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Precious darling, I can hardly describe how I feel with these wonderful praises. My head is about to explode. Thank you so much for these words of admiration for they mean a lot to me.
      I'm honestly glad you love my writing style, it's natural and I love how someone gets to appreciate it.

      Anyways, I like to compound my wahala so while I am busy complaining about Insta, imagine me trying to figure out Snapchat. I won't give it a rest though. I think it's a very interesting network, escpecially with the roses and butterflies girls put around their head.

      Delete
  3. Cherish I love your posts so much! They're always so funny. I feel the same way sometimes too. For example, this week I went out to eat and the presentation of the food was lovely. I was halfway through it before I realised I should have taken a picture, I just can't be asked sometimes lol. Great post.

    You said you need to reach out to me? If you have twitter you can follow me (@Demmiie_) and I'll follow back so that you can send a DM. If not send me an email at cocobellablog@yahoo.com :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks you for your beautiful words Coco, it feels great to be appreciated. I am also intrigued that you find my posts interesting.

      Well, most times I am in such a hurry to download my meal that I do not even think about taking a shot. The shots I have of food on my phone are those of the noodles I cook and sinerely, they are quite a number. I was going through my phone one day and I thought to myself "you eat too much indomie o". I guess it's because I'm in school most of the time though and who has time to start cooking for 1 hour when I can just make sharp sharp food.

      I will send you an e-mail as regards the issue. Much love.

      Delete
  4. hahahahaha..... i cant stop laughing. i thought i was funny but i raise my beyonce hands for you. i can relate to everything you said and more. Especially that part about not finding that flower everyone puts on their head on Snapchat. please do let me know when you find it.

    http://ezinnesdiary.blogspot.com.ng/2016/11/on-sacrament-of-reconciliation-my.html

    ReplyDelete
  5. Girl, you are absolutely hilarious and I totally understand.
    I am on the same team with you.

    ReplyDelete

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